The Attack of the Perverts
by Kage Hikari
Summary: FINISHED!When all the boys at Hogwarts are turned into perverts...courtesy of Fred and George...Hermione and Ginny must fight them off!
1. Chapter 1

Hey peoples! This is my new totally random ficcie! It's about a spell cast on the residents of Hogwarts (courtesy of Fred and George) that has turned all the boys into PERVERTS! Ok, let's go!

**Chapter 1**

**The Twins Get An Idea**

Fred and George Weasley, being perverts themselves, have always been excluded from everything (dances, dates, etc.) because none of the girls want them there. Now they live and work at the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and have an unlimited supply of girls and money. Not a good sign.

Fred sat lounging on a nice cushiony chair, chewing frog legs and humming "Weasley is our King." George sat a little ways off, with a beautiful witch in each arm and a pacifier in his mouth (?).

Fred said to his brother, "Want to do something?"

"Like what?" George asked.

"Like… something perverted."

"Sure. What did you have in mind?"

Fred considered. "Like hanging Voldemort's boxers on a flagpole."

"Nah, we did that last week."

Fred was surprised. "We did? Oh, that would explain the Death Eater's banging on our door right now, trying to kill us."

(outside)

Crabbe and Goyle (the old ones) are staring at the door, stupefied. "Why won't you open?" Crabbe asked.

The door said nothing.

(back inside)

Fred said, "Do you think they'll ever figure out that they need to turn the handle?"

"No." George removed the pacifier and started picking his teeth.

Fred thought for a minute. "Ok, we need to do something perverted. It's like our religion."

Suddenly George got an idea. "Let's turn all the boys at Hogwarts into perverts!"

"OK!"

The two women with George exchanged looks and left the shop. They would have better luck with Crabbe and Goyle.

The perverted twins were down in their cellar, cooking up a highly diabolical, totally illogical potion.

"Let's throw in some newt eyes!"

"Yeah, and some spider legs!"

"Oooh, and some caterpillars!"

"Not to mention some frog legs! Yummy!"

"Oh, and let's not forget the strawberry jam!"

Fred stopped and glared at George. "We're highly sophisticated perverted wizards, and you want to throw in strawberry jam? That's not even magical!"

George said, "Oh! Sorry. What do you suggest?"

"Some GRAPE jam!"

The twins threw in the grape jam and mixed feverishly, laughing maniacally. They tasted it and got even more perverted.

Miles away, Professor Dumbledore was sitting in his study with McGonagoll, doing… something dirty. Suddenly he stopped and said, "I sense a disturbance in the force."

Ok, how was it? Review me. This is just a tester. If you all like it, let me know and I'll continue it! I promise the chapters will be longer! R&R, no flames please.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, people really like it! Well, guys, if you like this, check out my other fictions! I have another Harry Potter one, so read! Here we go!

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**Chapter 2**

**The Curse is Cast**

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all sat at the Gryffindor breakfast table… eating breakfast (duh, what else would they be doing?). They were all very tired and were chewing abnormally slow. What a great day for something to happen!

The mail arrived with the usual screeching and screaming and feathers and owl droppings. A strange owl landed in front of Hermione with its leg sticking out. Hermione grabbed the package attached and read the note.

**From Fred and George.**

**Please follow all instructions.**

**1-Open package.**

Hermione sighed and did as the letter said. Ron looked up from his bacon, eggs and frog legs and asked, "What is it?"

"Something from Fred and George." Hermione continued reading the letter.

**2-Take bottle and walk to center of hall.**

Hermione stood up and stepped into the middle of the great hall. She wasn't as cautious as she would normally have been. She was very bored right now and wanted excitement!

**3-Smash bottle on ground.**

**4-Enjoy!**

Hermione finally wondered whether this was a good idea. Had Fred and George ever been trustworthy before? No. But Hermione decided she didn't care and smashed the bottle.

A great green gas rose up from the liquid and wafted over the hall. People screamed and tables were turned over in turmoil. Hermione realized what she had done and looked back at the paper in her hand.

**PS: Have fun with all the perverts! Mwahahahahahahahahaha! Now all the boys are just like us! Revenge! Revenge! Die! Kill, kill! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!**

**Have a nice day!**

Hermione smacked her forehead in frustration.

"Oh, great! I am such an idiot!"

The green gas settled and disappeared. Everyone was silent for a second, then they continued eating. Dumbledore got drunk and started chasing around Madam Pomfrey and Snape left the Hall, guiding several young girls. But all this seemed natural. Just another day in the life of a Hogwarts student… right?

"Harry! Ron! I have to talk to you!"

Hermione led the two boys out of the Hall and showed them the paper.

Harry studied it. "Fred and George really _are _perverted!"

Ron wasn't paying attention to the paper. "Hermione… you have beautiful eyes!"

"What?"

Harry looked up. "I agree! You do!"

"What? You bays are insane!" Hermione tossed her hair out of her eyes and smacked the boys in the face.

Ron grinned. "She likes me!"

Harry pushed him. "No, she likes me!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"No, you're both wrong! She has a thing for us Irish guys!"

Seamus Finnigan appeared behind them and swept Hermione off her feet. "Don't worry, darling! I will protect you from those horrible creeps! And in return you can do me a little… favor." He kissed her hand.

"Uh… what did you have in mind?" Hermione asked nervously.

"Well… first you can beeeeeeeeep then you can beeeeeeep and after that you can cover yourself in chocolate and beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep and finally let me beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep you…"

Hermione slapped Seamus and sprinted past Harry and Ron (who were both stabbing each other with rotten fish) and went back into the Great Hall. There she found all manner of perverseness taking place. She covered her eyes and ran to the Gryffindor table. Ginny was being tugged at by Lee Jordan and Dean Thomas.

"Come to my bed!"

"No, mine!" They argued.

Hermione cursed the both of them into jelly and grabbed Ginny herself. Ginny whined, saying, "Awww, I was enjoying that! Guys _fighting _over me!"

Hermione and Ginny ran up the Gryffindor tower. After throwing several guys out of the way (all of which were attempting to take off the girls' clothes) they locked themselves in their dormitory.

"They're all perverts! What will we do, Ginny?"

Ginny considered. "Oh, I know! We should yank on their ears to see how far they stretch!"

"What?"

"Oh, or we could throw them all out the window!"

"Ginny, that won't--"

"Ok, how about we turn them into fondant au chocolate!"

Hermione was silent for a second. Then she said, "That's just crazy enough to work!"

Ginny nodded. "What a yummy idea!

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Ok, they have a plan! Kind of! Tune in next time to see how it works! And don't forget to check out my other stories! 


	3. Chapter 3

Ok, here's chapter 3! Just a few notes for the reviewers: Yes, I know I can cuss in the fiction if I want, but I really don't want to! And Seamus wasn't cussing, he was being just plain dirty. And Usagi-chan, yes, this is _exactly_ what happens to my mind when you haven't spoken to me in weeks! So this is _your_ fault! Just kidding. And a general note to all: I'm not planning on making this fiction a major one. I'd be surprised if this story had 10 chapters; it's just a little one to keep me distracted for a bit while I'm focusing most of my energy on my major fictions. Sorry if that disappoints anyone!

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**Chapter 3**

**Fondant au Chocolat**

Ginny and Hermione prepared themselves for the battle. The boys downstairs were trying in vain to climb the slide up to the girls' dormitories. Ginny grabbed her trunk and started throwing random objects out of it (like rubber ducks, plastic chickens, an entire bike, and several lamp shades.)

"Here we go!" she said triumphantly. "These are our battle outfits!"

Hermione stared at the clothes, then Ginny forced them onto her. She found herself wearing a sailor fuko (for those outside of Anime, this is a school outfit with a sailor top like Donald Duck's and a mini skirt that's folded like a cheerleader's skirt. Very sexy) and cat ears and a tail. Ginny put on a pink frilly "King and I" dress with an abundance of bows and frills, not to mention a five-foot tall wig with one of the lamp shades on top.

"…We look horrible," Hermione complained.

"But in a good way!" Ginny said cheerfully.

The two held their wands high and ran out of the dorm James Bond-style. Hermione even did the music "Dun-dun dunna!"

They slid down the stairs and rammed into a pile of boys like bowling balls, scattering them like bowling pins. Then they sent a ton of curses at them, transfiguring them into fondant au chocolat. (Which are these cute little cakes that have hot, gooey chocolate inside. Yummy, steamy goodness!) Most of the shoody spell work was done by Ginny, making the fondant au chocolat with fingers sticking out of them or still with hair. But Hermione made perfect little cakes!

After the common room was covered with chocolate, they moved on to the boy's dorms and then descended the stairs out of Gryffindor tower. There they separated to cover more ground.

Ginny crept along the corridors, trying to keep her huge Carlotta dress quiet. She went into the library, where she rescued Hannah Abbot from a rather disgusting Ernie Macmillian. She tiptoed around the bookshelves and found herself face-to-face with Harry.

"Aaaah!" she screamed, firing her wand and missing.

"Ginny, it's ok! It's me!" Harry reassured, shaking her shoulders.

"Oh! Are you still a pervert?"

Harry looked puzzled. "I don't know what you're talking about! But listen, Ginny…" he put his arms around her. "I have always loved you."

Ginny's heart thumped loudly. Was this really happening? Harry leaned closer, pressing his lips to hers. Ginny thought she was in heaven, until he grabbed her butt.

"Aaaah! You are a perv!" She fired her wand and turned him into a lovely little dessert.

"Hahaha! I win!" Ginny celebrated.

She grabbed the cake and ran out of the library. Madam Pince screamed at her for bringing food into the library.

Meanwhile, Hermione was having problems of her own. She had been heading downstairs for the Great Hall, transforming perverts along the way, when she ran into none other than Snape. He glared at her, then strode up and began to yell at her.

"Why are you turning these boys into fondant au chocolat?"

"Well," Hermione said simply, "they happen to be trying to harass me in very nasty ways."

"Unfortunately, turning perverts into fondant au chocolat is against the rules. I'm afraid I'll have to… punish you." He put his arm on her shoulder, squeezing it unnecessarily hard. He led her down the hall, passing the passage to his office.

"Um, sir? Where are we going?" Hermione asked.

Snape grinned evilly down at her. "The Hospital Wing. It's the only place where there are beds!"

Hermione shrieked and fired her wand at him. Snape transformed, but instead of turning into yummy fondant au chocolat, he turned into a nasty mud pie with gravy inside.

"Yuck!" Hermione said disgustedly. "That must be his dessert form. Nasty!"

"Yeah, that is gross!" said a voice behind her.

Turning, Hermione found Ginny carrying one of the desserts and looking a little worse for the wear. Her wig was lopsided and her lamp shade was gone.

"Who's that?" asked Hermione.

"Harry. He said he loved me! I couldn't just leave him!"

Hermione sighed. "Was he a perv?"

"Yes."

"Whatever. Let's just go before the boys turn back."

Ginny started to follow her, but then the cake in her hands turned back into Harry. She found herself carrying him, and he instantly threw his arms around her, saying, "I love you! Now let's go up to your dorm!"

"Um, Hermione? It's a little late."

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Ok! So, their plan didn't work. No surprise there. Will they come up with a new plan before one of the guys gets the better of them? _Find out next time of The Attack of the Perverts!_ Ha. I just had to say that. 


	4. Chapter 4

Ok, I'm back! I hope everyone (all five of my readers) have had a good Christmas! That's why I took so long. Vacation, you know. I got to see my love! YAY! Anyways, here you are.

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**Chapter 4**

**The New Plan**

All around the castle, the boys Ginny and Hermione had worked so hard to transform were changing back. Their time spent as dessert seemed to increase their perverseness. Now there was a castle full of girls' screams. Ginny was running around the entrance hall with Harry in hot pursuit, and Snape was once again harassing Hermione.

In the complete chaos the girls managed to curse their pursuers so they were no longer chasing them, allowing them a chance to catch their breath. They collapsed on the floor, panting.

"Ok, so what's the plan?" Ginny asked.

Hermione considered. "Well, this spell was cast by none other than Fred and George."

"Big shocker there," said Ginny sarcastically.

"So, maybe we should pay them a little visit. Get them to take off the spell and return normalcy to Hogwarts."

"And if they don't?"

Hermione grinned evilly. "We make them!"

Ginny nodded, and they both started to laugh like maniacal psychotic evil scientists in strange outfits.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

An hour later the two girls stood outside the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes shop in Diagon Alley. They had new outfits; Hermione wore a yellow spandex wolverine costume, and Ginny wore black leather boots and a black leather mini skirt and a black leather jacket complete with unnecessary buckles and chains.

Ginny knocked on the door, then Hermione blasted the door into smitherins. She brushed the dirt off her spandex suit and walked in.

"Fred, George! I have a bone to pick with you!"

Ginny stared in amazement at the demolished door, then leapt happily over it and followed Hermione.

They found Fred and George playing Twister with Blast-Ended Skrewts. They actually seemed relieved that the girls saved them, for they were covered with stings and burns.

Hermione showed surprising strength and lifted George, pinning him to a wall. She put her wand to his throat and hissed at him.

"What did you do? Tell me _now _or," she aimed her wand below his waist at his… manhood. "You lose these!"

"Just-just a little potion!" George gasped.

"What kind?" she pressed, jabbing him with her wand.

Fred tried to pry her off, but she sent a curse his way and he flew through the opposite wall.

"It was an invention of our own! An original potion!" George covered his manhood, whimpering.

Hermione stepped back. "Fine. Then take it off! End the spell, NOW!"

George stood shakily. He grinned nervously and said, "Would you like to take a seat, have some tea? Or Pumpkin juice? Or Butterbeer? Or Frog spawn? Or perhaps a drink of creamed flobberworms?"

Ginny could only say, "Yuck."

Hermione's vein throbbed angrily. "You're avoiding the question!"

George sweat nervously. "Ok, ok, listen. We have no idea how to stop the spell. It will just have to wear off. DON'T HURT ME!" He coward against the wall as Hermione stood over him, trembling and flaming with rage.

After a few well-placed curses and a nasty incendio spell, Ginny and Hermione departed to Hogwarts, Ginny munching on the creamed flobberworms.

"Wow, Hermione. You have a lot of issues."

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Ok, sorry that was short. See y'all later! 


	5. Chapter 5

I'm sooooo sorrrry! Please forgive me! sniff, sniff I haven't updated in AGES! I really am a horrible, horrible person… WITH VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM! Ah… ok, I'm fine now… So anyways, here's the next chapter. And, by the way, there isn't going to be any Ginny/Hermione in this story. Sorry if I confused some people. Hope you guys enjoy. After all, you inspired this chapter! I hope you don't mind being in the story. If you do, I'm sorry! Disclaimer: I do not own any of the reviewers.

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**Chapter 5**

**A Visit from the Reviewers**

Ginny and Hermione sat in the entrance hall of the castle, cursing the occasional pervert to come close. They seemed deep in thought, but in reality…

"I wonder what the name of those things that hang in the back of your mouths are?" Ginny said.

Hermione scooted a little farther away from her, then said, "We have to figure out how to get rid of the curse. Gred and Forge don't know how to."

Ginny stood up and said, "I know! Let's bring in the reviewers! Maybe they have an idea!"

Hermione stared at her, then said, "Ok, but how do we bring them here?"

"LEAVE THAT TO ME!"

Hermione and Ginny looked above them at a magical floating stage that had appeared above them. On it was none other than… the writer! Kage Hikari jumped down from the stage and confronted the girls.

"Hiyas! I'm Kage Hikari, the writer of this fanfiction!"

Ginny stared at him, then blew a raspberry. "What do you mean? This isn't a fiction! How can you be our writer?"

Kage simply smiled and said, "Your tiny little fictional brain wouldn't understand." Then he pulled out a typewriter that glowed mysteriously and began to type.

"Ok, now I'll use my magical typewriter and superior writing talent (A/N: yeah, right!) and I'll summon the reviewers!"

Hermione stared. "You can do that?"

"Of course! I can bend the fabric of time and space according to my will in this fiction, since it's my world! Mwahahahahahahahaha!"

Then he pressed "enter" on his typewriter.

And, just like that, the reviewers appeared. Jess-Granger, something of nothing wears radish earrings, Jadz98, xchibiangelx, Usagi-chan624, Steel-Pheonix, s3xy-lady, nehimasgift, Moon Alchemist, Eternal Summer, princess nyx, and Ainrannalsa appeared on the giant floating stage. It was very sudden… almost like magic!

Ginny and Hermione stared, jaws agape. Then Ginny practically exploded with excitement. She ran to her dorm and was back in seconds, carrying… cow suits.

"YES! SOMETHING ELSE I CAN DRESS UP!" she screamed as she threw the suits on the reviewers. Jess-Granger didn't seem too happy about it, but Jadz98 was ecstatic. She helped put the cow suits on all the other Harry Potter fans. Kage loved his new suit and started hugging Usagi-chan624 to death.

"Yes! Our first cosplay! I'm sooo happy!" he kissed Usagi-chan624 about a dozen times in his happiness and passed out. Eternal Summer just stared, then took Usagi-chan624's arm and skipped around with her, enjoying her outfit.

Something of nothing wears radish earrings stared at her suit, sweat dropping. Moon Alchemist took her cow suit without complaint, but died it black before putting it on.

"Ok, now that Kage has finished talking about outfits…again…" Hermione said, "We need your help. As you've read, our castle is now full of perverts. Do any of you have any ideas about how to turn them back?"

The reviewers just stared at her, then xchibiangelx said, "I know! Let's bring in Sakura and Syaoran to use their magic on them!"

The rest of the reviewers stared at her, but Kage was ecstatic. "What a great idea! I love CCS!"

Hermione ignored them and said, "Ok, any other ideas?"

Steel Pheonix said, "Let's hit them all with hammers and make them pudding!"

More staring commenced, then nehimasgift said, "Let's force feed them that flobberworm stuff from last chapter!"

S3xy lady agreed. "Yeah! Let's make a potion and hope it works!"

Princess nyx and Ainrannalsa grabbed a huge cauldron and filled it with water. The rest of the reviewers started throwing other stuff in, like their cow suits and cookies and wooden paddles and flobberworm stuff. They started chanting and acted like Indians as they ran around the pot. Hermione even got into it, throwing every one of Ginny's outfits into the pot. Ginny then freaked and threw in Hermione's diary.

Kage pulled them apart from ripping each other's eyes out and said, "It's time to test it! Grab a willing pervert and feed them the potion!"

The reviewers immediately grabbed Snape.

Kage looked at them shrewdly. "Is he willing?"

Usagi-chan624 said, "Who cares? He was nasty to Hermione back in chapter three!"

Hermione said, "YEAH! LET'S FORCE-FEED HIM THE POTION!"

The reviewers chanted their agreement and forced a large amount of potion down Snape's throat. He turned green first, then he started coughing and spit out a frog. Then he turned into a giant slug.

The reviewers all sighed in disappointment. Their potion didn't work. Kage made them all disappear, and then he vanished himself. Hermione looked at the mess they had left, then said to Ginny, "No more parties for a while."

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Ok, that was fun! I kind of took a lot of freedom when writing about the reviewers, so I'm sorry if any of you guts were out of character! See ya next time! 


	6. Chapter 6

Ok, I'm back! These waits for chapters just keep getting longer and longer! Sorry. Anyways, some of these reviews from last chapter were so funny,but, I'm sorry, Strange Principles, you can't have my babies!Ok, here we go! This is the final chapter, so enjoy!

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**Chapter 6**

**Final Fight!**

"_Ginny skipped down the hallway, eating a Popsicle and leaping over the occasional puddle of exploded potion the reviewers made last chapter. She was happily humming to herself without a care in the world…_

_"Until, suddenly, out of the shadows jumped… a boy! He was a naughty little pervert and tried to do things… terrible things to her!_

_"At the very instant she seemed doomed to become overpowered by him, with a great burst of energy, Ginny turned it all around and he ended up a gluttonous mass in a full-body bind on the floor, oozing pimply pus all over the floor!_

_"The moral? Women have more power than they know! We have the power to overcome these disgusting boys! Whose with me?"_

Hermione's inspirational speech ended with complete silence from the crowd of girls she was speaking to. The only sounds came from a cricket chirping and Ginny, who was sobbing hard into her handkerchief.

Hermione shouted louder. _"Women have power! Whose with me?"_

At this the girls in the crowd all realized their cue and cheered. They all stood up, every girl in Hogwarts, and chanted, _"Up with women! Down with boys! Yaah!"_

They were all in the Great Hall, which had been barricaded against the boys struggling to get in. Hermione stood on a table and was waving a Hogwarts flag and screaming at the top of her lungs.

_"Hogwarts is our school, and we will take it back if it's the last thing we do! No pervert is going to stand in our way of victory! We will fight, and we will win! No more perverts in Hogwarts! Not in our school! THIS IS OUR TIME!"_

Then Hermione fell off the table.

Nevertheless, the crown cheered insanely for the incredibly motivating speech. It had taken Hermione and Ginny nearly twelve hours and several bottles of baby oil to get all the girls in one place. Now Hermione was convincing them to fight and end this war. Ginny was sewing outfits at the speed of light, since Hermione had thrown all of hers in the potion during the last chapter.

Once Hermione had finished, Ginny stood up on the table and silence fell once again.

"Girls, we cannot do this without the proper preparations! Now, everyone! PUT ON YOUR BATTLE COSTUMES!"

All the girls laughed, and Hannah Abbot said, "What for?"

Ginny seemed genuinely stumped by that question. Hermione intervened and said, "Do you doubt the outfits? Now, get dressed!"

Ginny stared at Hermione. "But, I thought you hated my outfits!"

Hermione glared back. "I do."

After the girls had gotten dressed in their respective outfits, which included several Barbie outfits, genie suits, Fanta girls costumes, and Wonder Woman boots, the girls started to prepare for the fight. They all stretched out, pulling off jumping jacks and high kicks. Hermione coached them, blowing a whistle and ordering them around.

"You call those jumping jacks? I want fifty more! Don't pull her hair out, save your energy for the boys! And will someone please get that dragon out of here?"

But before they could practice enough to be ready, the door of the Great Hall burst open to reveal the boys, all just as perverted as ever.

"Battle stations! Battle stations! The boys are here, so get ready! This is not a drill!" Hermione shepherded the girls into formation.

Ron, the leader of the perverts, stepped out in front.

"Hermione! I challenge you!" he shouted, as he picked his nose.

"Fine! I accept your challenge!" Hermione shouted back, as she fixed her hair.

Ron and Hermione took center stage, which happened to be flashing with neon lights. Ron spun around really fast and dressed himself in a white disco suit. Hermione was already dressed in her own disco suit (fashioned by Ginny) and stood opposing him. Then the battle began!

The crowd of boys sang, _"And they were dancing, and singing, and movin' to the grooving! And just when it hit me, somebody started singin' PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, WHITE BOY!"_

The girls sang right over them, singing, _"And it's a THRILLER! THRILLER, BABY!"_

(A/N: I'm sorry if these aren't the right lyrics. I'm not the expert on disco, or on Michael Jackson, for that matter.)

Hermione and Ron sent all sorts of spells at each other, both of them keeping in step with the music. Then, right when the fight was approaching climax, the curse on all the boys wore off. Ron was left standing, rather dazed, wondering what was happening.

"Hermione? Why are you wearing one of Ginny's outfits?"

The girls just laughed, and Hermione was so relieved she started making out with Ron right in front of everyone. Then Ginny got upset that her spotlight was being stolen, and started making out with Harry.

And thus it ends, with Fred and George sitting in their shop, laughing maniacally about the whole thing.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"


End file.
